MASHPEE, MA—An 18-month infant is reportedly recovering from a severe case of heatstroke today after local parking lot attendees found her trapped inside a sweet-ass Camaro, police said in a press conference today.
Officials said the infant, Annabelle West of Mashpee, was hospitalized with extreme heat exposure after being left unattended in the friggin’ awesome four-wheeled machine—a 1968 Chevy Camaro SS 350 with a sick white paint job and black vinyl interior—for over 30 minutes on Tuesday while her mother was shopping at the local Safeway.
“At approximately 10:50 a.m. this morning, police received alerts from supermarket employees of a small child trapped in the backseat of an absolutely nasty ’68 Camaro,” Lt. Mike McCusker told reporters. “Officers immediately responded to the scene and discovered a vintage first-generation ride with a fully restored exterior, original 302 V8 engine under the hood, and a sick chrome alternator.”
“Based on what we know, the exhaust is from Flowmaster and it sounds awesome,” McCusker continued. “The child was taken to Mercy Hospital, and I bet that Camaro can really fucking purr.”
According to police, the infant’s mother went shopping at the local supermarket and forgot she left her child in the backseat of the car, which investigators say has bitching reupholstered bench seats and sweet custom accents—like seriously sick-as-hell navy blue racing stripes and a super-nice tinted windshield that looks like a mirror. Without the Vintage Air SureFit air-conditioning system running, which police said would be a pretty tight upgrade that could put you $1,400 in the shitter, temperatures in the car quickly jumped to over 100 degrees.
Police said by the time parking lot attendees spotted the child in the backseat—the kind that folds down all the way so you can sleep or screw or both—she was already unconscious.
“It’s a good thing the heat didn’t cause the dash grab bar to start melting and oozing sticky black shit, which would suck because those original ’68 hand grabs aren’t available in repop,” forensic detective Jeff Shenson said. “With a classic ride like this, you’ve gotta keep her in the shade, no excuses. They heat up five times faster than newer models and need a little more TLC to keep those Koni classic shocks pumping—which feels fucking amazing on the road.”
“This beauty is garage-kept, no doubt about it,” Shenson added. “This woman should have been extra careful.”
Officers said that while the child is expected to make a full recovery, summer travelers should be reminded that heat-related tragedies are common during peak temperatures. Last month, for example, police found the body of a 3-year-old boy in the backseat of a classic, all-black 1965 Ford Mustang Fastback with a souped-up Cammer engine.
“Last year, I got a super-decent 2009 Toyota Tacoma for about 10 grand, then upgraded with a custom turbo engine and grill guard,” police spokesman Marc Forente said. “My kid got locked in the back, but then he was able to crawl out into the bed, which was fiberglass. Thank God for that.”
“It’s not as sweet as that Camaro, though,” he added. “I fucking love that car.”
Source: The Onion